Episode 125, originally published 29-Apr-99

Face Off

When Michael and Cricket face off in court, who will win?
Will Victor find something a little off about Ramona's face?
Will Rafael now face what Miguel has faced off and on over the years?

"Do I have to do this?" Cassie asks her mother. "Relax, Cassie, the social worker just has to ask you a few questions." "But I don't want to answer her questions." "Well, I'm afraid that's not up to you, Cassie. I--" Just then, there's a knock at the door and Sharon gets up to answer it. "Hello," the man says with a smile. "Who are you?" Sharon asks. "Did no one tell you? I'm the social worker." "Wait a minute," Sharon says, "I thought we were expecting a woman. And she's not due for another two hours." The man shakes his head. "Sorry. They had a change of plans and she couldn't make it. I'm Ted Morgenstern. I'll be taking her place." Sharon sighs and lets the man in. "Are you Cassie?" the man asks. Cassie frowns at him. "Cassie!" Sharon says, urging her to speak. "Yes," she says, pouting conspicuously. Ted turns to Sharon. "I'll need to be left alone with her for a while, if that's okay with you." "Oh," Sharon says, "uh, ok. I'll go up to the main house. How long do you need?" "About 10 or 15 minutes?" the man replies. Sharon nods and waves good-bye to Cassie.

That eerie-sounding musical pipe thing alerts us to the fact that we've shifted scene back to the desert for another round of Victor and Chet gritting their teeth and trying to outmacho one another. "I know your secret," Victor says. Chet looks alarmed. "You do?" "I found a man-proof fence. And it's electrified." "So?" Chet says, trying to play it cool. "Well, you try to make it look like you're old-fashioned out here, but you're not. In fact, I've been noticing that everything around here looks just a little too fake--like I'm on a stage or something. Not really in New Mexico at all. For example, that cactus over there." He motions toward a fake-looking cactus. Chet rushes to stand in the way so Victor can't see it. "It's no use your doing that, you know," Victor says. "I already looked at it up close. That's not a real cactus." "Of course it is, Victor," Chet says. "What would make you say it's not?" "It's still got a price tag on it. It says you bought it from K-Mart." "And what if I did?" Chet says, trying to continue posturing. "Well, I don't know what yet. But I'll tell you one thing. I'm damned well gonna find out." "Well, I'll tell you this, Victor Newman, you'd better damned well not go putting your nose in where it doesn't belong, ok?" "Well, I just damned well might," Victor says. "Well, you'd just damned well better not," Chet says. Ramona enters. "Oh, no," she says. "You're at it again."

Back in Sharon's house, Ted is with Cassie. "You don't like me, do you?" She shakes her head. "Why is that?" he asks. "Because you're going to take me away from my mommy," Cassie says. He looks hurt. "I would never do such a thing," he says. "You wouldn't?" Cassie asks uncertainly. "No, I wouldn't." the man says calmly, trying to gain her confidence. She smiles a little.

In the desert, that musical pipe thing is still droning away. Victor is out in the yard now, playing with a stick and the shadow it's making on the fake sand. "What are you doing?" she asks. "I'm taking some measurements," Victor says. "Trying to determine our location." "Really? And how do you plan to do that?" she asks him. "Well, not only do I know a great deal about geography, but I know how to build sophisticated measuring devices out of ordinary household items," he explains. "And suppose you did figure out where you were...?" she says. "Then I would hobble out of here and back to my office. I have a corporate takeover to get back to," he explains. She looks at his bandaged foot. "May I?" she asks. He nods and she opens it to inspect it. "Something's growing there," he says. "I don't see anything," she says. "Not there," he says. She looks up. "Oh," she says with a smile. "There! My, my, my, is that another of your sophisticated home-made measuring instruments or are you just happy to see me?" she asks a grin.

At the Newman household, the doorbell rings. At the Newman household, the doorbell rings. Rafael is in the kitchen chatting with Miguel in the kitchen. "¿Tienes que ir para abrirlo?" Rafael asks. Miguel smiles and shakes his head. "No importa. Espérate un momento, amigo mío," he says. In the distance they hear the familiar "I'll get it, Miguel" from Sharon. Rafael is impressed. "Pero si no tienes que abrir la puerta, ¿qué haces aquí para que te pagan?" Miguel smiles. "No sé. Supongo que es porque puedo recordar cuál nombre de família usar para cada persona en cada momento." "¿Cómo? ¿Es tan difícil?" "Sí, ¿cómo no? Pués, para alguién sin cerebro como el mío." "Por supuesto," Rafael says with a wink. Then he thinks for a moment, and finally says, "¿Y cuándo fué la última vez que ella se casó?" Miguel counts on his fingers. "¿La señora? Hace unas semanas, creo. ¿Por qué? ¿Conoces a alguién para ella?" Rafael smiles. "¿Para una mujer con tanto dinero como ella? Sí, es posible que conozco a alguién... pero... ese persona--puede ser que tiene interés en la hija también." "Ah, ¿Victoria? Ese no será problema. En el pasado, los hombres que pasaban por aquí para cortejar la Señora también han cortejado la hija al mismo tiempo." "¿Y tú? ¿Has probado...?" Miguel chuckles. "¿Formalmente? No. Pero hay los días entre los otros hombres en que..." "Les das sus servicios." Miguel nods. "Exacto." Rafael smiles. "¿Cómo se dicen aquí en este país? `Very interesting,'" he says.
[Click here if desperate for subtitles.]

More of the eerie-sounding musical pipe. Nestled into a bed of foam rubber cactus, Ramona and Victor lay together. Apparently, Victor has finished having his way with Ramona.... you know: "being held prisoner in every way", and all that. "If you'll excuse me," she says, "I must go file a report." "A report?" he asks. "Do you work for my company? We're always filing reports." She smiles. "No, not exactly." "Then you must be a space alien," he says. "You're joking." "No," says Victor, "I am not." He reaches over and pulls back the skin on her face to reveal that she is a lizard underneath. "You see?" he says. "Oh my goodness, you know our secret," she says. "But how did you learn it?" He smiles. "It's all the fake scenery," Victor explains. "No one would ever believe any of this was real. So I did some measuring of our latitude and longitude and, making use of my vast knowledge of geography and mathematics, I determined that we must be in Area 51. You got that?" She nods. "It's true," she admits. "And Chet? Is he an alien, too?" he asks. But a commercial intervenes. Stay tuned.

In the Newman living room, Sharon opens the door to find a strange woman. "Hello?" she asks. "I'm Mrs. Martin," the woman says. "I'm looking for the home of Sharon and Nicholas Newman?" "Well, I'm Sharon Newman," Sharon explains, "but this isn't my home. Who are you and what business do you have with me?" The woman looks surprised. "I'm here for the interview." "Interview?" Sharon asks. "We're not hiring anyone." "No, with your daughter--I thought the judge had told you." "Judge? He sent--well, we thought a woman was coming, but a man showed up instead and said he was your replacement." "My replacement? There was no replacement for me. Did you call my office to confirm?" "No," says Sharon, starting to look concerned. "He seemed like a nice man." "And is he gone now?" "No, he said he wanted a few minutes alone with Cassie, and--ohmigod!"

That weird pipe thing again. Will it ever stop? No wonder Chet seems insane. Chet enters to find Victor and the recently-exposed Ramona, now quite obviously a lizard-like space alien. "Actually, I'm a freedom fighter," Chet explains. "So is Ramona here." "And you're working to save the world from aliens?" "Actually, we already did that--years ago. Didn't you ever watch my TV miniseries? V? That was a true story, you know. But ever since we rid the world of aliens, there's been no work for me and Ramona here, so we took our spaceships and moved to the desert." "That explains all this fake scenery," Victor says. "It's disguising your secret underground landing site, isn't that right?" Victor says accusatively. Chet slips back into macho mode. "And if it were, what's it to you?" "Well, I was just wondering--do you have enough firepower there to mount a serious takeover?" "Depends," says Chet. "Yeah, what's in it for us?" Ramona-the-lizard-creature asks. "Well, I could talk to some friends in Hollywood--maybe get you another miniseries." "You're on the right track now. Keep talking," Chet says.

Back in the kitchen, Rafael extends his hand to Miguel. "Señor, fué un placer. You must come visit me in that--tacky room--and I don't mean to serve me. You will drop by, we'll kick back some cervezas, and we'll show these women how it is really done, yes?" Miguel shakes his hand and says "Hasta ese," he replies. There is a sudden scream from the living room and the two rush to see what's up. "Sharon--Mrs. Newman," Miguel asks. "Estás ok?" "Miguel, my little girl--she may be in trouble. I left her with a strange man. I thought he was--well, he's not--and she might be--oh, Miguel, please--hurry!" Miguel and Rafael rush out as Sharon stands poses uselessly in the living room window watching. The social worker puts her arm around her as if to calm her for the shock ahead.

The next morning, in the courtroom, Michael stands to address the judge. "Your honor," he explains, "we are today filing a formal request that you reconsider your ruling that the young continue in the interim to stay with her--with Mrs. Newman." "Mr. Baldwin, do you really believe that circumstances have changed materially in such a short time?" the judge asks, surprised. "I do, your honor," he says. "On what basis do you make this claim." "Your honor, yesterday, Mrs. Newman opened her door to find a total stranger. The first thing this complete stranger asked for was time alone with her daughter, and she accomodated him. My client finds that a bit scary." "Was the child harmed?" "Fortunately no," Michael explains. "As it happens, the man was working for me. I had asked him to go by because I suspected that security was not as tight as they had suggested it would be. You recall that just a few months back, there was an incident in which the maid had flipped out and--" The judge stops him. "Yes, I remember that. Certainly does raise doubts about the safety of the child. Thank you for bringing it to my attention." "Mrs. Newman, do you have anything to say in rebuttal?" Sharon stands. "Your honor, I--the man told me he was working for you." "And you believed him without asking for any identification whatsoever?" "I guess when you put it that way, it does sound kind of dumb," Sharon says. The judge nods. "Looks like we're playing leapfrog with child abandonment. Bad enough Ms. Johnson had abandoned her daughter willfully, but now you, Mrs. Newman, are doing the same." Grace leans in from the audience of the courtroom to Michael's table and starts to say, "Michael, I can't believe you're--" but she is interrupted by the judge saying, "Does anyone know of a suitable home for this child OTHER than with Ms. Johnson or Mrs. Newman?" Grace breaks away from chiding Michael to raise her hand. "Ms. Turner? Would you take the young girl back into your care?" "Absolutely, your honor." Michael whispers to her, "Grace, what was it you were saying about my handling of the case?" She smiles at him. "Never mind, Michael. You're doing just fine."

Across town in the Newman Board room, having left "that damned pipe noise" out in the desert where it belongs, Victor enters to find a board meeting in progress. "Jackabbott," he says, "What the hell have you done with my company?" "You're too late, Vic," Jack explains. "How's that?" he asks. "He means, Jack and I have staged a bit of a takeover," says Brad. "Oh yeah?" Victor says. "We'll just see about that." "There's nothing to be done, Victor. It's over," Jack says. "Have you looked out the window lately?" Victor says. "What's your point?" Jack asks, going to the window. Outside is a flying saucer hanging in mid-air with phasers that don't look like they're set for stun. "Uh, Bradski, you might want to come look at this." Brad comes over to the window. "Now," Victor says, "I'm not going to ask a second time. You wanna talk takeover? Ok, we'll talk takeover. I'm taking over my company again, ahright? I want it back, and I want it now. Is that clear?" Jack sighs and hands Victor the keys. Then he and Brad storm out of the room, which Jack calling back over his shoulder, "This isn't over, Victor." "Oh yeah it is," Victor says firmly. And at THAT very pleasant thought, the audience cheers.

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 126!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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