Episode 81, originally published 17-Jan-98

Nuts and Bolts

Phyllis is on the stand testifying about the manuscript. Cricket is cross-examining. "So, Mrs. Romalotti, it's your testimony that you've never seen this document before, is that correct?" "It is. The first time I saw it was--" She glances uneasily at Michael, but he nods confidently for her to continue. "--was when you stole it and brought it to this court." Michael smiles and nods as Cricket predictably stands and says, "Objection!" The judge looks to her, "On what grounds, Counsellor?" "We didn't STEAL it." Michael says, "You want her to say `allegedly stole'?" "No, I don't want her to say anything with the word `stole' in it," Cricket says. "Well," volunteers Phyllis, "we can't always have what we want." As she finishes, as if cued by Phyllis' remark, two men in FBI jackets stand and approach the bench. As they do, another two stand bearing rifles to block the door.

"Your Honor, we're here from New York with arrest orders for Danny Romalotti and Christine Williams," says one of the agents. He presents a pile of documents to the judge. The judge looks it over mumbling, "conspiracy to interfere with the US mail, ... grand theft, ..." "Grand theft?" Cricket interjects with surprise. Michael smiles and responds, "I believe it was your witness, Mr. Houserman, who established the market price of the stolen item as $50,000." "I move to have that testimony stricken!" Cricket says. The judge, engrossed in the arrest document, waves for them to be quiet--as one would bat away a pair of buzzing mosquitos. Suddenly he looks straight at Danny and says, "Assault and battery?" Danny smiles sheepishly and shrugs. "What can I say, your honor? Everything I do I do with zeal. Which is why you should allow me to raise this precious little boy. I--" The judge shakes his head sadly as Cricket mashes her foot into Danny's foot and whispers to him, "You're not helping." The judge continues, "Mr. Romalotti, I can't believe your team went and blew it like this just to obtain a document I'm ready to rule as inadmissible anyway." Phyllis volunteers, "Oh, you can believe it, Your Honor. Danny talks a goodie-two-shoes kind of story, but whenever that damned Bug gets involved--" Michael is coughing loudly and she stops. Michael glares at her to be silent. "So you're arguing that Danny is simply a victim of ineffective counsel, Mrs. Romalotti?" "No, sir," Phyllis says quietly. Then she adds quickly, "My remark was out of place," she says demurely. "I'm sure Mrs. Williams is a fine attorney who has competently represented my ex-husband." Michael nods prominently and then stops to wipe sweat from his brow.

The judge says, "Very well, then. We're left at an interesting point. Mr. Romalotti has alleged danger on the part of Mrs. Romalotti, but has failed to demonstrate that she has been anything other than, perhaps, extraordinarily protective of her son. On the other hand, Mr. Romalotti stands accused--" "And guilty," Phyllis mutters. "--stands accused," the judge repeats, "of some very severe crimes. I could stay this court case until the outcome of Mr. Romalotti's case, but to what point? Mr. Romalotti is not the biological father. Mr. Romalotti has never been the primary caregiver. Mr. Romalotti is either about to be faced with several years in prison, or perhaps he'll find himself running in and out to concerts instead. I don't see a stable environment with Mr. Romalotti, and so I might as well rule now." "Your honor, wait!" Cricket says. The judge looks to her. "It's not as bleak as it looks for my client. As soon as possible after this trial is over, I plan to leave my husband and marry Mr. Romalotti. So you see, Your Honor, that precious little boy will have a proper home and environment to grow up."

The scene dissolves. Christine is in bed with Paul. Paul is shaking her. "Chris? Wake up, Chris. It's just a bad dream..." "No," she says, "I won't be arrested. I can't be--" Paul wraps his arms around her. "It's ok, Chris. You're with me. Do you want to talk about it?" Cricket takes a deep breath and says, "Paul, dreamt I lost the case and I was about to be arrested for grand theft." "Grand theft?" "Yes, for stealing the manuscript. I established its value at $50,000." "Oh, that's right!" Paul says, "Is there anything you can do?" "Well, maybe I can make a deal with the other side." "A deal?" "To have the manuscript withdrawn as evidence, in exchange for their not pressing charges." "Won't that leave you with nothing?" "Well, Paul, it's either that or spend years in jail. Michael Baldwin's too good a lawyer not to think of this." The phone rings and she picks it up. "Hello?" she says. "It's Michael Baldwin," says a voice at the other end. "Michael," she says, "what do you want?" "What do you THINK I want?" he asks. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," Cricket says, pretending not to know. "Cut the crap, Christine. You know the ploy because you and I have used it together in the past and you were too good a student to forget it. Now do you ask the judge to drop the evidence, or do I--" "Never mind, Michael, I know the drill. I'll do it." "No tricks," he says cautiously. "You have my word," she says sadly. Then she hangs up. "Cheer up, Chris," Paul says. "Whatever happens with the trial, we still have each other." Cricket forces a smile. "Right..."

Later, when court has reconvened, Michael looks expectantly to Christine to make her motion to suppress the document, but she doesn't. Instead, she begins her cross-examination of Phyllis about the manuscript. "Now, Mrs. Romalotti, you claim you have never seen this manuscript before, is that right?" "That's right, not until you and my husband STOLE it from its rightful owner in New York." Cricket glares at her and then at Michael, who is toying with a pair of handcuffs. "Your honor!" Cricket whines suddenly, "Mr. Baldwin is trying to sexually harrass me again!" Michael stands and says, "Your honor, these handcuffs are not something I would call a sexual playtoy--though I can't speak for opposing counsel. These are instruments of LAWFUL ARREST." The judge looks irritated. "Mr. Baldwin, I don't see anyone being arrested here, so perhaps you could put the handcuffs out of sight, and perhaps you, Mrs. Williams, could proceed with your questioning." "I'm sorry, your honor," Cricket says.

"As I was saying, Mrs. Romalotti, it is your testimony that you had not seen this document before last night AND YET how do you account for this remark about sticking a corkscrew through your heart--it appears both in the manuscript AND in your testimony, days ago." Phyllis looks uncomfortable, but finally says, "Well, Sasha used to always hang out with me--and she always did seem to steal my very best expressions..." Cricket looks disappointed, but is not daunted. "And what about this remark here? About Brian not wanting to be "tagged" as the husband?" "That's DNA Lab speak. It refers to genetic tagging. Everyone at DMS used to use that term." "Oh," says Cricket, a bit disappointed. "Well, I'm sure there are other coincidences in here, just let me--" Phyllis shifts nervously in her seat. "Your honor, I'd like to, uh,--" Michael coughs loudly and she stops to look at him. He shakes his head at her while passing a note to Patrick Baker. Baker rises and says "Your Honor, we object to the suggestion that these coincidences of wording are significant." "On what grounds, Counsellor?" the Judge asks. "Well, on the grounds that--well, it's a fundamental property of the universe that all people use the same phrases." The judge looks at Baker skeptically, "That's quite a claim. Are you prepared to back it up?" "I am, your honor--if I might just call one witness." "Very well, call your witness." Baker smiles and says, "I call Christine Williams."

As she takes the stand, Cricket is visibly furious. Baker turns to the judge and says, "She looks a bit hostile, your honor. Can I ask right away for permission to lead so I don't have to interrupt about that later?" The judge nods, "It's your show, Mr. Baker." "Thank you." He turns to Christine. "Now, Mrs. Williams, you've made the claim that the something mystical can be inferred from coincidences of wording. Is that right?" "I have. I don't think many of the phrases like Mrs. Romalotti uses are very common, so when I see them also in the manuscript--a manuscript she says she's never seen--I have to assume she's crossed the line." "Crossed the line? What exactly does that mean?" "It's just an expression." "Yes, I'm sure it is. Now, you say Mrs. Romalotti is a danger to the child?" "I think so." "And, in your opinion, if we left this child alone with the mother right now--what bad thing would happen?" "At this point? I think she'd bolt." "Bolt?" "Yes, bolt." "Odd turn of phrase, don't you think?" "Not really. I'm sure your co-counsel finds a lot of reason to use it, hanging around Phyllis all the time." "Would it surprise you to learn that my co-counsel has never used that word?" "He hasn't?" Cricket says, suddenly confused. "I was so sure he had." "No, never."

Patrick retrieves a looseleaf notebook from his desk. "Have you seen this?" he asks. "Where did you get that?" she responds nervously. "I'll ask the questions here. Are you familiar with this document?" "It's tomorrow's script." "And you've read it, haven't you?" "Well, Daddy just left it laying out on the breakfast table, and I--your honor, am I permitted to object?" "On what grounds?" the judge asks. "He's ad libbing, Your Honor." "I'm afraid I don't know how to respond," the Judge says. "That's because it's not in the script, Your Honor," Cricket whines unhappily. "Script?" "I believe she means this document, your honor," Baker says holding up the notebook. "And I believe it's `adding lib' not `ad libbing'," Michael chimes in. The judge stares at them blankly. "Your Honor, you're not going to let him get away with this, are you? He's putting the whole system on trial!" "I'm afraid it's necessary, Your Honor," Patrick says. "Well, move along and make your point then," says the Judge, improvising a bit of his own dialog and becoming quite fascinated by the diversion.

Patrick opens the book to a marked page. "I refer you to this scene here--between Michael Baldwin and Phyllis Romalotti. It comes while we're all waiting for the verdict. Would you read, please?" Cricket looks uncomfortable but reads anyway, "It says, `Michael (angrily): Phyllis, you were about to bolt, weren't you?'" "That's enough," Patrick says. "So what's your point?" Cricket asks. "There's that odd little phrase again--bolt." "So? It doesn't mean anything." "But it does mean something when my client uses the word "tagged"?" "That's different. All you've proven is that the show uses a scriptwriter who sometimes shares terminology between characters." "Ah! Just so. And so my client is just a victim of that scriptwriting, is she not?" "Well, I guess she could be." "But moreover, this entire event is scripted, is it not?" There is silence. "I didn't hear any response," Patrick says. The judge, becoming excited by his own ability to recycle cliche dialog, says "The witness is directed to respond." "Yes, yes, YES! Ok, I admit it. This entire event is scripted--or it was until Michael Baldwin stepped in. I should have known to disregard those little platitudes he kept whispering to Phyllis about sticking to the script. I figured if she stuck to the script, I'd have nothing to worry about. But he played me for a fool, and then he crossed the line." She collapses and sobs. The judge says to Patrick, "I guess you've made your point, Counsellor. The witness may step down. And I'm guessing that since we've deviated this far from the script, our closing arguments aren't going to work any more, is that right?" He looks around and gets nods from both sides. "Very well, court is adjourned while I consider the evidence and try to decide whether the verdict I was supposed to reach still makes sense." He bangs his gavel.

After banging loudly on the door for a while, Michael is finally admitted to Phyllis' apartment by a robed Phyllis. "Phyllis, what's going on?" "Nothing, I was just taking a bath." "A bath? Come on, it's me, Michael..." He rips the robe from her and sees that she is wearing clothes underneath. "Aha!" he says, "Phyllis, you were about to bolt, weren't you?" She blushes and points to a suitcase in the corner. "Well, it's a good thing I got here in time." "Why's that?" "Well, first of all, I think we've made mincemeat of the manuscript and we're almost sure to win..." "But they're not going to jail--we agreed not to prosecute and they didn't keep their part of the bargain. The judge could still award custody to Danny." "Well, he could... but I've taken care of that." "You have?" "What did you do?" "Well, I called up Cricket and Paul and told them I thought you were going to bolt. I told them to get over here right away." "You WHAT!?? You sold me out?" "Well, not completely. I also hired some people--a woman and a child--to get heavily dressed up in clumsy disguises and to drive from here to the airport to get a plane trip to Brazil." "And you think they'll be dumb enough to..." "Let's turn on the news and see, shall we?" he says. He grabs the remote control and snaps on the TV.

A woman at an anchor desk is saying, "... and in local news, well known rock star Danny Romalotti is under arrest at this hour for trying to kidnap a young child at the airport. The mother of the little boy says she hopes this kind of thing won't happen again and she will definitely press charges. This comes in the wake of the well-publicized custody trial of Little Daniel Romalotti. A side note--his lawyer, Mrs. Paul Williams, was driving the getaway car. She has also been arrested, for conspiracy to kidnap. We take you now to KGC 5's legal commentator Doris Collins, who's been following the trial..." The scene switches to a different desk where Doris sits comfortably. "Thanks, Jean. Well, those of you who've been following the trial with me know that it's been a real rollercoaster of a last few days. First there were unconfirmed reports that the manuscript was to be removed from evidence to keep Danny out of prison for Grand Theft and Assault and Battery. Strangely, nothing happened with that and it seemed that Danny had gained the upper hand. Then, in a bold move, Patrick Baker placed the whole system on trial and the Judge was left to ponder the philosophical consequences of an entirely scripted case. And now--well, one can only speculate what was in Danny's mind that would lead him to do this. I assume it must be the certain realization that he was going to lose That Precious Little Boy of his that drove him to this desperate action." "I thought they just said it was that damned Bug that drove him to it," Phyllis chuckles. Michael snaps off the TV.

"Well, all's well that ends well," Michael says. "Is that really in the script?" Phyllis asks. "Yep, that was the end of the scene," he replies handing her a notebook. She pulls out a red pen and scribbles in the book. Suddenly Joani enters with Little Daniel and says, "I'm taking Little Daniel for the evening so you two can be alone. And there's champagne chilling in the fridge. Good night!" Before they can respond, the phone rings. Phyllis picks it up and says "Hello? ... Yes ... Thank you." Then she hangs up again and says, "That was the judge. He's going to rule in our favor, but he'll wait until the morning to announce it so that we have a nice night's--uh,-- sleep." Michael just stares at her. "None of that was in the script." "Well, it is now," Phyllis says. "Now stop adding lib and attack me so we can get this show back on track and finish with a really explosive ending..."

"Won't that involve crossing the line?" "It might, but now that Joani's out with that precious little boy of mine, it's safe." "Safe?" "For you to make me a woman in every way." "You really wrote all this dialog?" "I did." "Wow! You'll never know just how impressed I am. I feel like taking your script revisions back to the studio and writing a report." "A report?" "And sending it to mimeo so that everyone can have a copy." "Report? Mimeo?? Michael, NO ONE talks like that any more." "Sorry, I was just trying to pretend I was a writer, too." "I've got a better idea," she says. She hands him a vinyl record. "What's this?" "It's a Carpenter's record. Pretend you're a sound man and play Bless The Beasts." He lays it on the turntable and struggles to set the needle. "What's taking so long?" She asks. "Patience," he says, "I'm trying to start at the beginning of a track." She walks over and tosses the needle onto the record. It bounces once and picks up in the middle of the song. "If you want to be a techie, you're going to have to learn to be less precise, Michael." Finally he jumps her, kicking the record player into a completely unrelated song as he does. "Excellent, Michael. Excellent," she says. "You're showing real promise."

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 82!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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