Episode 26, originally published 01-Mar-97

Sweep Week

It's the Genoa City Bar. (The one Nina came to the other night. The only bar in town, presumably.) Kurt enters and sits at a table. The waiter takes his order, but we can't hear over the music. A few moments later, Vinnie enters (the old acquaintance of Kurt's we met at Gina's). "Vincent," Kurt says. "Kurt, the K," the man says. Kurt shrugs, "It's just Kurt now. I've retired my knife." Vinnie looks at him suspiciously. "Kurt, Kurt... One doesn't retire from one's friends.... And anyway, we're even now. You let us down real bad when you didn't pay us back on that loan, but you offered your wife and kids as collateral and we collected. Live and learn, right?" Kurt buries his face in his hands.

Danny and Phyllis's apartment. The living room is empty. As Joanie enters, we notice there's a large duffle bag by the door. It is bent in the middle. Could Joanie be moving out? As Joanie walks near the bag, the bag starts to move--there must be someone inside it. Joanie opens the top of the bag shakes her finger at whoever is down inside. "Stop wiggling, Mrs. Romalatti. If you're not careful, you're going to roll into something and hurt yourself. You'll be fine, I promise. They promised they would take VERY good care of you." She ties the top of the sack back up.

Vinnie says to Kurt, "So you asked me--what is it I can do for you? Another loan?" Kurt shakes his head `no'. "No, I'm through with that. But there's this person--" "Say no more, Kurt. Let me guess. The one with the face of a dog--following you like a sick puppy every where you go? You're sick of her nose in all your private parts, and you'd like her to back off, am I right or am I right?" Kurt forces a smile. "I guess it shows." "Shows? Kurt, I've been following you for weeks trying to get a little time in and the golden retriever ain't left your side for all that time. She needs to learn to heel..." Kurt nods. "But just that--I don't want her put to sleep or anything like that--" "Not put to sleep? Hmmm, that might cost you extra." "Really," Kurt asks. Why's that?" "Well, when we put a problem to sleep, it stays sleeping if you know what I mean. But when we just whack 'em with a newspaper--well, eventually they come back for more. The sleep thing is really easier--and we make it cheaper, too." "Well, I can't afford to pay much." "It's ok--as long as you want the works, I'll do it for free. You can just owe me a favor some other time, what do ya say?" Kurt hesitates, but realizes he isn't monetarily able to agree otherwise. He nods, and Ashley's fate is sealed.

The doorbell at Danny and Phyllis's rings. It's Vinnie and another man, taller and obviously much stronger. "Hello, are you from the service?" Joanie asks. "That's right--the service. I was told you had a package to be picked up?" Joanie nods and points to the bag. "Right here waiting." He opens the top of the sack and sticks his hand in. The part of the bag that is presumably Phyllis's head draws back to avoid his touch. "Very good quality merchandise," he says smiling. "And you're sure no one will miss it?" Joanie smiles. "Eventually--but not for a good while. I'll see to that." The man pulls an envelope from his pocket and hands it to her. "Your delivery fee; you'll get the rest in the manner we discussed once we've examined the goods." Joanie peeks into the envelope, obviously pleased with its contents. Vinnie makes a silent snapping motion with his fingers and the man behind him slings the duffle over his shoulder. The two leave and Joanie leans against the door with a huge smile of relief.

Dru's house. The doorbell rings and Dru runs to answer it. It's Vinnie! She looks up and down the hallway. Seeing no one, she grabs him by the arm and yanks him firmly into the apartment, slamming the door quickly behind him. As he enters, we see the back of his shirt, which reads "Marriage Counselor." She sees it too and looks confused. "Wait a minute, I thought you was--" He laughs. "It's just an inside joke. We consider our services to offer a friendly alternative to divorce, so we call ourselves Marriage Counselors," he explains. "Oh," she says, nodding slowly. "Well, look, it's this way--my man, Neil, he's been getting a little too ... over the edge... you know--too pushy... " "And you'd just like to push back. Over some edge somewhere, I mean..." She smiles. "You got it, 'cuz if I just let him go, he'll just do the same damned thing to my sister, know what I mean?" "No," she continues, "when one of these things flares up, a body's gotta take decisive action." He nods. "Consider it done." "And the cost?" "Don't give it another thought, Mrs. Winters. It will be discreetly billed to the estate as "disposal services". You'll never notice." She shakes his hand. "It's a pleasure doing business with you, Vin," she says.

Danny enters the apartment carrying some groceries. "Hello, Mr. Romalatti," Joanie greets him. "Joanie, we're friends. I told you to call me `Danny'!" "Sorry--Danny." "Have you seen my wife around?" "Phyllis?" she says, as if to confirm the present state of Danny's ever-confused marital status. Danny nods, "yes, Phyllis--have you seen her?" "Not since this morning. And she was acting very strange then--well, not strange for her--but, you know, strange like she gets when there's something going on and you don't know what it is. She said she was going out and when I asked what time she'd be back, she said she couldn't say." Danny looks perplexed, but still understanding--as if this were normal Phyllis behavior, even if it didn't make any sense. "Well, if she calls, you should let me know. I'm on my way to rehearsal but I wanted to drop off these groceries on the way." He hands Joanie the bag. "Thanks, Joanie." "Thanks---Danny," she says being careful to refer to him as he's asked.

It's the next day. The doorbell rings at the Romalatti residence, where Danny is sitting on the couch playing with Little Daniel. Joanie runs in to get the door. It's Sasha. "I need to speak to Phyllis," Sasha explains. Danny looks up. "She isn't here--apparently she called yesterday and she's gone to visit her mother," he tells her. "That's bull," says Sasha. "Phyllis doesn't have a mother." Danny is puzzled but, being innocent of the true situation remains calm. "Well, maybe the message got garbled--Joanie's the one who talked to her--ask her." Joanie smiles. "It guess it isn't her actual mother, but it's someone who was always there for her when she was growing up--I've heard her refer to her as her mother before. I don't know any more than that--and that she was sick--so Phyllis said she had to leave to visit her." Sasha isn't buying but doesn't know what more to do at this time, so let's it go. "Doesn't sound right to me, somehow, but I guess if that's all you know it will have to do. Sorry to bother you all. If she does call, could you tell her `Sasha' was looking for her?" "We'll do that," Danny agrees, and Sasha leaves.

Lynn sits at her desk at Paul's office. A man enters wearing a gas mask and carrying a metal container attached to a thin hose. On his shirt it says ACME Exterminators. Lynn perks up immediately, "Oh, good--you're here." Vinnie removes his gas mask and nods. "And the bugs you'd like exterminated?" "Just one--she'll be here shortly. Could you wait in there?" She directs him to Paul's office. "I'll send her in when she arrives," she says as she closes Paul's door. "When who arrives?" Cricket says, overhearing the remark as she enters. "Oh, Christine," Lynn says, startled. "Go right in." Cricket smiles and nods and heads in. The door doesn't quite close and we hear Cricket start to speak but we can't quite make out what she is saying. Then there is a spraying sound followed by the thump of a body falling to the floor. Moments later, Vinnie emerges and hands her a piece of paper. It reads "Your office has been certified Bug-Free." Lynn smiles. "It doesn't leave any traces?" He shakes his head. "It's a rare extract of a South American plant. The smell goes away entirely in 5 minutes, and it leaves no trace. They'll rule it a freak heart attack." Lynn hands the man an envelope and smiles. "Thank you!" she says. "Oh, the pleasure is all mine. I didn't know her long but already she was getting a little preachy about my attire, the way I wash my hands, the logo on my shirt, ... the pleasure was all mine."

It's a new day again. Danny returns to the house to be greeted by Joanie, who is dressed in a long, silky, opaque robe which has been hastily pulled around her. "Joanie..." Danny says with a confused smile on his face. Joanie clutches at the robe. "Oh, sorry--I was just trying on some of your wife's things--wondering if maybe I should get something like them for myself." "And what was the verdict?" Danny asks. She puts an overly exaggerated frown on her face. "Oh, I don't know. It's hard to tell--I'm not a very good judge of these things--I wish your wife were here to coach me. She's really good at this." "Yes, she is, isn't she," Danny surprises us by admitting. "Maybe you could fill in for her while she's away? Tell me what works and what doesn't?" "Oh, I dunno, Joanie--I'm so tired, and I still need to say good night to Daniel." "Oh, he's already asleep, Danny. And if you're tired--tell you what, why don't you get a nice shower and lay down on the bed. I'll give you a good back rub and then if you still have anything left in you, you can just lay there and watch the show." "A back rub? I haven't had a good back rub in--you've got a deal, Joanie." He heads to the bathroom for his shower as she raises her eyebrows excitedly. To no one in particular she says, "I think I'm going to like having you out of the picture, Phyllis... and to think, I always used to wonder why I'd come in and find you talking to yourself... now I can see why you do it--it's just so much fun to gloat aloud!"

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 27!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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