Episode 135, originally published 15-Apr-2001

Dry Humor

How will Sharon react to Nick's ongoig imprisonment?
Will Raul continue to feel under the weather?
Will Trisha finally figure out how to get Carter's juices flowing?
Can Mac learn to go with the flow of Britanny's paranoia?

In Paul's office, Isabella is chatting with Paul about the terrors of being an abused spouse when Lynn buzzes in. "Uh, Boss, I hate to interrupt you but there's a woman here from the Department of Agriculture. Says it's quite urgent." "Well, Lynn, did you tell her I was with a--" "It's ok, Paul," Isabella says. "I need to use the ladies' room anyway. Why don't you talk to this woman and see what she wants." Paul sighs and hits the button on the phone. "Ok, Lynn, show her in." Isabella walks out as Lynn and the woman enters.

At the Newman household, Cassie is watching the TV news when Sharon comes in and snaps it off. "Cassie, I told you not to watch that." "But it wasn't about Nicholas," Cassie says. "They were just talking about Global Warming and how it's been escalating rapidly in the last few months." "Well, just because it's not bad news in that story doesn't mean they can't switch stories to Nick's trial without warning." "Global Warming isn't bad news?" Cassie asks. "No, of course it is, sweetie. But Victor's a billionaire. If the air gets too warm, Victor will buy us an air conditioner." "That's not the only bad effect," Cassie protests. "The man on the show said we're having a local drought and it's causing all the crops to die." Sharon cuts her off. "Cassie! Enough," she scolds.

"Hi, I'm Barbara Jameson from the Department of Agriculture," the new woman says to Paul Williams, extending her hand. She is clad in business attire and carries a briefcase, which she opens and begins to thumb through as soon she seats herself." "What can I do for you--Ms.--" "Mrs.--Jameson," she corrects him. "It's about the oncoming Global Warming," she continues. "Wait a minute," Paul says, "I thought when we elected George W. Bush, all concern over global warming was put on hold for 4 years." "I'm afraid we can't wait that long," the woman says in a very serious tone. "Really?" he asks. "Yes, we're investigating recent crop failures throughout the northern United States, and we've traced them to a drought centered in this area. I've come to you hoping you could help me track down the cause." "Well, I'm not sure how I can help you. I'm just a private investigator."

Back at Sharon's house, Sharon sits on the couch crying, being sad about Nick. The camera cuts cleverly away to the prison, where Nick is missing Sharon.

Across town at Walnut Grove Academy, Mac hasn't decided whether to mention the video tape to Billy, so she is talking to him about lighter topics. Just then, Brittany enters. "You know what?" Mac says, "I just remembered I left something on the stove at home." Billy looks perplexed and Brittany looks triumphant as Mac shoots out of the room. "I guess I interrupted something," Brittany says hopefully. "Not really," Billy insists, "we were just talking about the weather." The camera cuts away to show that Mac really didn't leave but is standing around the corner listening. "Really? Not about me?" Brittany asks. "No, not about you." "You're sure?" "Ease up, Brittany. You're starting to sound a little paranoid there," Billy replies. The camera jumps to Mac again. "Paranoid," she mutters. Then she gets an evil grin on her face.

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Back at Sharon's house, Sharon sits on the couch crying, being sad about Nick. The camera cuts cleverly away to the prison, where Nick is missing Sharon.

In Paul's Office, Barbara Jameson of the Department of Agriculture, begins to sob. Paul brings her a hankerchief. "Is it that bad?" he asks, placing a not-so-paternal hand on her shoulder. She doesn't look up, but nods and sobs some more into the hankie. "If I personally don't find the answer to this problem, and soon, there could be rampant famine throughout the United States ..." The tears continue to flow. "That's awful, but I--" "And my husband might beat me," she adds. Paul stands and spins in a circle and with the noise of a small explosion suddenly finds himself dressed in the familiar spandex uniform of Abused Woman Rescuer Man. "I think I can help," he says, now ready to forget all other cases.

Mac arrives to find Billy and Brittany kissing. Her purse contains a conspicuously placed package about video-tape-sized, wrapped in brown paper with the word "PRIVATE" written on it. "Billy? I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute." "What's in the package?" Brittany asks, taking the bait. "Can you read?" Mac asks. "Oh, of course you can't--here, let me help you: P-R-I-V-A-T-E .. private. Maybe that means it's none of your buesiness, Brittany." She turns back to Billy. "So, do you have time for me?" Billy shrugs and looks to Brittany, who is still fuming from being set up. "Uh, sure," Billy says finally. "I'll see you later," he says to Brit, giving her a peck on the lips. As Mac and Billy walk away, Brittany watches as Mac unwraps the package and hands him the tape. "What's this?" he asks. "Just a tape I thought you should watch." "What about?" "About AIDS. I figured if you were having sex, you should know the risks you're up against." "So is this what you wanted to see me about?" Billy asks. "No, actually. Malcolm asked me to come by and get a promotional picture of you re-taken. He's lost the negatives for the previous set. He needs it right away so Sean can get it up on the web site."

Carter is in his house pacing back and forth. "Damn! I was so close to getting back at Nick," he says. Trisha looks puzzled. "What was that?" she asks, not sure if she understands. "Never mind, Trisha. Just never mind." "But, I thought--" Carter gives her a death stare and says, "Yeah, well, that's your problem. Don't think. It doesn't suit you." She pouts, but he ignores her and appears lost in thought. "And I was so close to nailing Sharon," he says. Trisha's eyes widen. "Nailing Sharon?" she asks, amazed that he would say such a thing right in front of her.

Back at Sharon's house, Sharon sits on the couch crying, being sad about Nick. The camera cuts cleverly away to the prison, where Nick is missing Sharon.

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Victor arrives at Paul's office with Alex and Neil. "Get to the point," Victor says. "I just wanted to inform you that I won't be able to work any further on this health care matter until I get done with this Global Warming case I'm working on." "Global Warming?" Victor asks, a look of concern on his face. "Is it that bad?" "I'm afraid so, Victor," Paul says. "And not only that, if we don't find the answer soon, I'm afraid Mrs. Jameson is going to be beaten by her husband." As Victor thinks about this, Alex speaks up. "Victor, this health care problem is important, but even I have to admit that Global Warming is a bigger problem. Perhaps we should help Paul to solve that problem and then return to my case when the world is safe again." Victor looks to Neil, who hasn't said anything. Neil says, "I don't know what to say, Victor. On the one hand, I've never thought this health care thing was such a pressing problem to begin with. But on the other hand, this Global Warming thing seems like a distraction too..." Victor shakes his head. "I don't agree with you Neil. I think we have to think of the big picture. If there's a problem with Global Warming, I want it to be Newman Enterprises that finds the solution. Paul, I think you're right. Continue ahead with Mrs. Jameson. And you may have Neil and Alex to help you if you need them." "Thanks, Victor," Paul says, before Neil can object.

"Nailing Sharon?" Trisha repeats for dramatic purposes. Carter looks up with an "I said that?" look on his face, embarrassed. He scrambles to cover. "Trisha, I have to tell you something about me--something very personal. Can I trust you with that?" Trisha is elated. She feeds on people trusting her. "Of course," she says, and waits nervously for his big admission. "I have a rare form of Tourets Syndrome." "Tourets? But isn't that where you blurt out foul language involuntarily?" "Uh, yeah, that's right. But this is a special kind. I tend to blurt out falsehoods about things going on in the world around me. Things I don't want to. I can't help it." "Oh," she says, uncertain what to make of this. "You mean like wanting to nail Sharon?" "Yeah," he says with a smile, liking his little story, "like that." "Oh, you poor baby. But at least I finally understand," she says. "Trisha, you don't have a clue!" he yells at her, testing his new power to speak the truth in her presence. She smiles. "Oh, Carter, I'm so glad you told me this. I feel like this is going to make us so much closer." "Bitch!" he says to her. She hugs him.

Back at Sharon's house, Sharon sits on the couch crying, being sad about Nick. The camera cuts cleverly away to the prison, where Nick is missing Sharon.

At Malcolm's studio, Billy is just finishing his photo shoot with Malcolm as Phyllis enters. "Can I see the photos before you put them up on the web?" "Well, I--" Malcolm says, looking to Phyllis and obviously not excited about doing a lot of film developing just at this moment. "I'll go develop the pictures," Mac says helpfully. Malcolm shrugs. "Ok, cool. You develop the photos while I see what Phyllis here wants." Mac takes the film from the camera and heads into a back room.

"I've been thinking about what you said," Trisha says to Carter. "What's that?" Carter asks, distracted. "That I'm clueless." "I thought I told you to ignore that stuff." "I was--I am--but, it's just--I've heard that before. From Larry Wharton." "Hmm," Carter says. Then, after a moment's thought, he adds, "I guess I'd better tell you the whole story. See, Larry and I were college roommates, and he--well, he caught it from me." "It's contagious?" she asks worriedly. "Er, yeah, well, it was--it's only contagious in the first year after you get it. You should be plenty safe now. But you gotta cut Larry some slack, ok? It's part of the reason we hang together. We understand each other. We're a kind of support group." She thinks about this and then nods. "Ok," she says, "whatever you say." "I've got to go out now. I'm on my way to make sure our frame-up of Nick is working." "Frame-up?" she starts to ask. He looks at her as if he shouldn't have to explain. "Oh, right. The Tourets?" He nods and starts to head out the door. "Carter, wait--don't you want to make love with me before you go?" she asks. He looks her up and down. "Not even if you paid me, you little skank," he says. "Ok," she says cheerfully. "Just wanted to check." He smiles and leaves.

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Trisha is alone in her room, looking through Carter's drawers. She finds the pills and compulsively counts them. "Same number as the other day," she says. "And these don't look like asthma pills," she muses. "They must be for his Tourets! And he's not taking them. No wonder he's in such a foul mood all the time. Well, I can fix that."

"Paul, I think I've got a lead here," Neil says as he pours over some data on the screen. Alex, Barbara, and Paul crowd around. "But you're looking at the Jabot web site," Paul says. "You don't really think it's a corporate conspiracy against Newman Enterprises, do you?" Neil just shakes his head. "I don't know, Paul, I just don't know. Come on--let's head over there." "Shouldn't we check with Mr. Newman?" Alex asks. "I'll call Victor on the way and let him know what we're up to," Paul says as they all get up and grab their black leather rescue jackets.

At Walnut Grove, Mac has again picked a time to enter when Billy and Brittany are getting a little kissy. Brittany huffs and puffs, but Billy just smiles and says "Hi, Mac, what's up?" "Can I speak to you for a minute?" "I was just about to go to class--" Billy says. "It won't take long--it's just about that set of proofs I put together for you..." "Oh that," Billy says. "I haven't had a chance to go through it yet." "Ok," Mac says with a comfortable smile, "I'll check back with you later today." She runs off. "What was that about?" Brittany asks nervously. "Nothing. Just some business for Jabot." "Billy, you're holding out on me. I saw she gave you that video tape. And it's obvious now she thinks it proves something." "Video tape? Oh right, well, I--" "I don't want you watching that tape, Billy. Whatever it has on it isn't going to be any real kind of proof of anything, you know." "Huh?" he asks, confused. "The tapes. She wants you to think they were about us having sex, doesn't she?" "Well, yes, but..." "Damn it, Billy, I don't want you watching any alleged tapes of us having sex together that you get from Mac because they're phony, ok?"

Back at Sharon's house, Sharon sits on the couch crying, being sad about Nick. The camera cuts cleverly away to the prison, where Nick is missing Sharon.

"Phony?" Mac asks, suddenly appearing from the around the corner. "And what makes you think anything I have to offer Billy is phony?" Mac asks, pushing Brittany backward as she moves into her space. "I just know, ok." "Know what?" Billy asks, confused. "That that isn't the right tape," Brittany says insistantly. "And what makes you think that?" Mac asks. "Because--because--this is the right tape right here!" Brit says, exploding with rage. Billy takes the tape from Brit's hand before she has a chance to protest. "Hey," Billy says, "this is a tape of that last night of the summer when we first had sex. Now I can find out what really happened." "No, Billy, I really don't think you--" But he is already walking off into the A/V room of the school leaving the two girls behind, Mac grinning and Brittany fuming. "Gotcha," Mac says to Brittany proudly.

It's the following morning and Carter is just finishing breakfast. "How are you feeling?" Trisha asks him. "I feel great!" he says with a big smile on his face. "Would you like to make love?" she asks. He flops his arms in her direction willingly. "Anything," he says. "You lead the way..." She smiles. "I'm so glad you're feeling better, Carter. I see now that the problem is just that you haven't been taking your medicine every day. But don't worry. I'm going to be putting this stuff in your orange juice every morning. Come on, now, I'll take you to bed. We have a baby to make. You want that, don't you?" "Absolutely," Carter says with a smile.

At the Abbott household, reporters are crowded around on the lawn waiting for someone to come out and talk to them. "Here comes someone now," says one reporter, shoving a microphone in Alex's face. "This is a real victory for our case against Lawson Medical," she says. "Lawson Medical? But I'd heard this was about Global Warming?" Alex grins. "Well, it turned out to be about both. You see, to make our case against Lawson Medical, we needed an actual incidence of a case that Lawson was failing to treat that they should have been treating. Now, thanks to the fact that one young boy, Raul Gutierres, drank so much water that he caused a severe drought that ruined crops throughout the northern United States, we were finally drawn to notice his problem. But now that we have found him, I think we can both get the boy the health care he needs AND at the same time spare millions from the famine that might have ensued if the drought this young man was causing had not been noticed."

Back at Sharon's house, Sharon sits on the couch crying, being sad about Nick. The camera cuts cleverly away to the prison, where Nick is missing Sharon.

That's all for this episode. Hope you learned something. Don't miss Episode 136!
If you missed any older episodes, see the index.

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