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Date: 28 Nov 1997 10:30:32 -0500
From: pitman@anotherwayout.com (Kent M Pitman)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps.cbs
Subject: Y&R: AWO#74: "Courting Disaster"
Message-ID: <sfwzpmpm3xj.fsf@world.std.com>
INSIDE... * Cricket shows she can read Phyllis backward and forward.
* A timely precedent turns the tables in the courtroom.
* Though it bugs the bug, justice due is justice done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANOTHER WAY OUT, Episode 74, 28-Nov-97 by Kent Pitman (kmp@harlequin.com)
"Courting Disaster"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The custody court is assembled and awaits the judge's ruling on the
admissibility of Glenn Houserman's evidence. The judge takes a final glance
at some notes he has made and then begins. "Very well, then, we'll proceed.
As you realize, the situation involving this evidence Mr. Houserman has given
is quite complex. However, I've done a full search of the state's records and
I believe the appropriate precedents exist for me to make an appropriate
ruling." Cricket raises an eyebrow as Danny digs his hand into her arm.
"What does that mean?" he demands to know with the same caveman-like passion
he's demonstrated throughout the trial. Cricket shakes her head. "I don't
know. Danny, I did a database search a day ago and there were no appropriate
precedents that I could find--I had thought the judge would be free to make a
ruling based on his own judgment."
The judge eyes Danny and Cricket and says, "If you're finished chattering, I'm
prepared to rule." Cricket blushes. "Sorry, Your Honor. My client was
just--" "Trying to remove your arm out of some sort of displaced anger--yes,
I've noticed that, too." "He's just concerned about his son," Cricket says.
The judge nods sadly. "Yes, well, I'd be concerned about his son if I thought
the case were going your way, too, counsel. But fortunately for that precious
little boy, it looks like your client getting custody is becoming more and
more of a remote possibility." Cricket's jaw drops as the judge looks up and
addresses the full court. "I hereby rule that the testimony of Mr. Houserman
be stricken as inadmissible. I cite as precedent State of Wisconsin vs...."
He consults his notes. "Enitirhc Tnais," he says uncertainly. "Or however
it's pronounced." "Also, State of Wisconsin vs. Tekcirc, and finally State of
Wisconsin vs Gub."
After a moment of stunned silence, Cricket rises and says, "Objection, Your
Honor." "You object to the use of precedent?" "Quite the contrary, Your
Honor. But I doubt those cases exist. Look what they have in common." "The
judge looks at them. That they are all unpronounceable?" "No, your honor.
It's just a hunch, but I bet if you look closely you'll see they were all
presided over by a Judge Ittolamor Sillyhp." The judge looks down for a
moment and then nods. "Yes. So?" he asks. "So they are made up." "If they
are made up, then how could you know the judge's name?" "Because, your honor,
I'm familiar with judge Sillyhp's work--do you notice that Ittolamor Sillyhp
is Phyllis Romalotti spelled backwards?" The judge shakes his head.
"Counsel, one cannot be familiar with the work of a judge who does not exist."
Cricket says, "But Your Honor, it's not just the name of the Judge. What
about Enitirhc Tnais, Tekcir, and Gub. Those are all my name spelled
backward." The judge raises his hand like a traffic cop. "Enough. This has
just gone from silly to ridiculous. Now obviously, you hold some sort of
grudge against this Judge Sillyhp's work--I HOPE only because of some
coincidental name similarity with the respondent in this case, and not some
more deep seated race hatred for Judge Sillyph--the name sounds vaguely Indian
to my ear. Now, I would not like to report you to the bar for taking an
unprofessional attitude in this matter, so please, take your seat and cease
objecting on the basis of any form of anagram." Cricket glares at Phyllis,
who smiles innocently.
Cricket addresses the judge again. "Your honor, I did a search for cases such
as the ones you have cited and found no such cases." The judge says, "Well,
that's understandable--these were only reported this morning." "This
morning?" "That's right." "Doesn't that sound just a little bit convenient?"
"Life moves on, Counsellor. History and precedents are made every day--why
not yesterday?" "Yesterday? So this isn't part of some formal record yet?"
"No, but it's a very reliable source." "What source?" "The World
Inquisitor." Crickets eyes roll. "Your HONOR!" "You wish to impeach your
own witness by suggesting that his publication is less than reliable?" "No,
but your honor, come on. It has been shown that Phyllis Romalotti is a
computer WHIZ. She could have planted that story in the Inquisitor." Phyllis
stands and says, "I object, your honor!" The judge waves her down. "You're
not permitted to object, Mrs. Romalotti. But it's ok, I understand your
concern."
The judge turns to Mr. Houserman. "Can you speak for the World Inquisitor on
this matter?" Glenn Houserman stands and says proudly, "Indeed I can, sir."
"Well? How did that story get in there? Do you think Mrs. Romalotti could
have broken into your computers?" asks the Judge. "No, sir!" he says.
"Glenn," Cricket whispers, "you can't know that!" "Yes I can," he whispers
back. Then he says to the court. "I bought those stories, your honor."
"Aha!" says Cricket. "From whom?" the Judge asks. "From Mrs. Romalotti."
"And why was that?" "Because they were news, Your Honor. Anything relating
to a juicy story like this trial is of interest to the World Inquisitor." "So
you bought the story even knowing it would impeach your own testimony?" "I'm
a man of honor, sir," Glenn says proudly. "If the truth hurts, that's the way
it is. But at the World Inquisitor, we have a motto--" "Yes, yes, I'm sure
you do," the judge says, cutting him off. Cricket whines anew, "Your honor,
don't you see what's going on? Mrs. Romalotti has made up these stories about
the precedents and attempted to influence this case." "But it sounded so
sincere," Glenn says. The judge shakes his head. "Ms. Williams, I'll leave
it up to you--I can either rule summarily that Mr. Houserman's testimony will
not be admissible, based on precedent published in the World Inquisitor, which
you have previously stipulated to be a fine upstanding source of news staffed
by men of great character, OR I can observe that Mr. Houserman's judgment
about news is questionable, doubt these new stories containing the precedents
I cited, admit Mr. Houserman's testimony, and then ignore it because you have
impeached the credibility of your own witness." "Judge!" Cricket whines.
The judge sighs as it's obvious Cricket will not respond. Finally he says,
"Personally, I found Mr. Houserman quite credible and I very much enjoyed the
stories I read this morning." "Thank you, Your Honor," Glenn says. The judge
smiles and goes on talking. "I therefore stand by my earlier ruling that the
precedents I cited earlier are factual, and that the Mr. Houserman's prior
testimony will be stricken from the record. Now, Ms. Williams, your star
witness seems to be a no show. The testimony of Mr. Houserman has been ruled
inadmissible. Your case is looking very weak... I would accept a motion to
for a summary judgment in favor of Mrs. Romalotti." Suddenly, Danny slams his
fist on the table and says, "No way, Judge. I will NEVER allow that BITCH to
have control of my son. Never. Never! NEVER! If I have to kidnap him and
carry him away to Canada and never give a concert here in the US again, I'll
see to it that Phyllis NEVER gets custody!" Cricket whispers "Danny!" as if
to tell him this hasn't served his case, but it's too late. The judge is
pounding his gavel.
"Mr. Romalotti. The CBS censors may recently have approved the unfettered use
of the word `bitch' as daytime fare, but *I* still find it offensive. I rule
as a formal matter that it is not representative of good family values and I
direct the court stenographer to enter a black mark in the formal record next
to your name. Furthermore, as tempting I find your gracious offer never to
give another concert in this country, I am forbidden by my oath of office from
being influenced in so personal a way. I therefore recommend that Ms.
Williams remove her arm from the reach of Mr. Romalotti's reflexive clutching
so that I may issue this ruling without fear that her forearm will be further
bruised." Cricket retracts her arm from the table and replaces it with a
rolled up World Inquisitor. The judge proceeds. "The court hereby awards
custody of that precious little boy to Mrs. Phyllis Romalotti." Danny
reflexively grabs out as if to clutch Cricket's arm and say "What does this
mean?" but his fingernails sink into the rolled-up paper. "Hey! Ouch!" he
says as his fingers crunch into the hard roll of the paper where he'd expected
the soft flesh of Cricket's arm. "What the--?" he mutters. "It means,"
explains the judge, that you have lost. Your case is over. You are too
violent and you don't get the child." "No!" Danny exclaims. "I won't accept
this," he continues. "You're questioning my right as judge to do this?" the
judge says. "Damned right I'm questioning it," says Danny. "There's no way
in hell I'm going to let you or anyone near my son." The judge waves the
bailiff over in Danny's direction. "Bailiff--have this man locked up until he
can behave like an adult." Cricket says, "Your Honor. That's cruel and
unusual punishment--you have no proof he will ever act like an adult." The
judge sighs. "You have me there, counsel. Well, all right, just get him out
of my sight for a few minutes while I get out of here, ok?" She nods.
Danny is taken forceably into the next room. Cricket enters and sees him
there. "Danny, calm down. It's over. There's nothing more to be done."
Paul enters and looks to Cricket. "Ready?" "Ready for what?" He pulls out
two plane tickets to Tahiti. "Our trip...?" "Paul, I can't leave Danny while
he's in this state." "Come on, Chris. It's over. There's nothing more to be
done." "No, Paul--I can't. I'm sorry." Paul shrugs and walks back out; the
camera follows with him as Lynne walks up. "Lynne, have these tickets
cancelled." "Cancelled?" "Unless you can work some sort of magic. 'Cuz
Chris isn't going." "Funny you should mention magic," she says. "What's
that?" he asks, only half paying attention. She pulls out a pencil and waves
it like a magic wand over the tickets. "Now look again at them." He opens
the tickets and reads. "They're made out for you and me." "I didn't ever
really think Chris would go." "You are something else, Lynne. You know, I
really could use a vacation..." "Then let's go! I promise I have plenty more
tricks up my sleeve." Lynne says, smiling proudly. Paul nods. Then he adds,
"Oh, and Lynn, I want you to give yourself that thousand dollar a month raise
you mentioned last week." "Really?" she says. "Absolutely. You deserve
every penny of it." They exit together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright 1997 Kent M. Pitman. All Rights Reserved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Another Way Out" takes plotline state at time of publication and shows that
there are interesting places right around the corner. The goal, besides
having some fun with good-natured parody, is to challenge the notion that we
must be mired in certain tired plotlines for months just to have a good time.
There is always another way out...
Archives of this and older episodes of "Another Way Out"
as well as the more serious "morals" that underly them,
can be found at: http://world.std.com/~pitman/awo/index.html
Don't forget to try the "character index" and "ratings index"!